small town activism

When I first moved here, I thought it would be a good idea to bring this exhibit called "Love Makes a Family" to the local community college. And even though I'm not a student there, somehow my vision is being realized. The diversity board bankrolled the exhibit and I'm now scrambling to organize a reception on June 4th. "Love Makes a Family" is a photo exhibit with accompanying narrative about being LGBT and being part of a family. I first saw it in Massachusetts eight years ago, but it seemed appropriate to try to bring here. So, this little small town is going to have a pride celebration and I'm feeling pretty good about how when I put energy out into the world, it tends to have an effect.

In other news, I'm currently obsessed with Jon Krakauer. I saw Into the Wild last night and picked up a used copy of Into the Thin Air this afternoon. I had previously been reading some mediocre lesbian fiction that was more of an answer to insomnia than anything else. I'm not sure why the "man v. nature" theme is so compelling right now, but I sure am fascinated.

Also, I'm wondering about my job. I met with a cool lady on Friday who sort of questioned why I'm working for the state. My answer was, "there's not a lot of jobs in this town." This is certainly true, but there happens to be an executive director position open a local non-profit. I'm thinking of applying, but it seems scary for some reason. I'd much rather be managing a non-profit, but I've only been in my current job for about 7 months and I'm still feeling pretty challenged by it. Anyway, I may or may not apply. How's that for decisiveness?

retrograde communication

An old friend sent me an email letting me know that "Monday, May 26th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Gemini, the sign of the Twins, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the internet into a general snarlup! This awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slows) and lasts for three weeks or so, until June 19, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. Mercury retro in Gemini tempts us to leap into something new and untried, or to escape to some other place. Although Gemini is the sign of the mind and of communication, the retro period can see us swamped in a mass of detail, especially if matters that should have been completed in the past return to haunt us."

I sort of believe in astrology. When I lived in Santa Fe, it seemed like someone always kept me in the loop. We'll see what happens in the next few weeks.

I have been feeling a little funky lately, but I can't attribute it to Mercury because that just started. I was thinking instead that I should try to exercise more, drink less alcohol, and try to have more time alone. It's hard to find space to nourish my own interests. Probably all people with kids struggle with how to find balance. Here's an example:

Saturday morning I woke up, made coffee, and started reading an article about why Hillary hasn't quit campaigning yet. I really don't get it, by the way. Why does she keep hanging on? I was two paragraphs from finishing when suddenly Francis appeared and started climbing on me and kissing my face. This is very nice. Very cute. But I really just wanted to finish the article. The more I tried to see around her fishy kissy face, the more she persisted until it became a kind of peak a boo game with the New Yorker. I finally pulled the blanket that was left out on the couch over my head and said, "I'm a turtle, I'm in my protective shell."

"Okay," she responded cheerfully, "let's play turtles."

Planning to be a very reclusive and literate turtle, I agreed, thinking that I could continue reading from underneath the blanket.

"What's my name?" she asked.

"How about Mertle," I said, thinking of my mother for some reason. Her name isn't Mertle but she did introduce me to Dr. Suess.

"Okay. Let's see...your name is Fertile," she said.

I cracked up.

Then, she ran all around the world (through the living room, guest bedroom, and kitchen) collecting lettuce. I gave up trying to read something interesting and just relaxed into the pleasure of pretending to be a very lazy couch turtle being fed fancy lettuce by a very charming little girl...I mean turtle.

scoop on the local trans scene

Before I moved here, I heard stories. Every year there's a week long trans event. "But it's mostly men" people would say after they saw my eyes light up with expectation and hope for this otherwise sad logging town. Maybe they didn't want me to get my hopes up too high. By "men" they meant people who were born male and who are somewhere on the trans spectrum.

Well, last night I unraveled this mystery a little more. I went to the talent show for the 19th annual "Pacific Northwest's premiere transgender conference" held at the Eagles Naval Lodge downtown. The Naval Lodge is a lot like it sounds. Prominent USA flags, wood paneling, weird old carpet, and an amazing WWII era ballroom. Most people were looking pretty fancy. Not knowing what to expect, I showed up in a tank top and jeans, the sort that I'd wear to a club. I paid my five dollars at the door and entered a room where I could suddenly breath easier.

In this town of about 17,000, I'm used to people giving me second looks. I keep my guard up in the grocery store, at my job, on the rare occasions that I go to a bar around here. They're looking at me because they think I'm some kind of freak. To be fair, I sort of am. It's not hostile mostly, but it's definitely isolating. Last night was different though. I walked into a room of women, some with stiletto go-go boots that rendered them seven feet tall, others in whispy skirts, and still others with sequins and flashy jewels. Lots of feminine presentation. Walking in as a butch felt good.

This scene is pretty fascinating to me. The conference is open to anyone along the MTF spectrum and FTM's if they really want to come but only "genetic women" can attend the SO (significant other) track. The reason given on the official website is that women need a "safe space" to talk. I think what this actually does is enforce a veneer of heterosexuality. Last night at the talent show, there were a lot of jokes about the artificiality of their particular embodiments of femininity (a skit about "buns of foam," another one involving a corsage, a popped balloon, and a "wardrobe malfunction.") My impression is that many of the participants pass as straight couples just about everywhere else they go. In fact, one of the reasons this sad old logging town has hosted this event for nearly 20 years, is that it's far enough out in the middle of nowhere that people can achieve a sense of anonymity without having to pay big city prices. This isn't a critique, but more about documentation. I think what's going on is pretty awesome. These folks are injecting a much needed shot of queerness, even if it's behind closed doors.

loose toother

Francis just celebrated her sixth birthday. She's a magical little kid. Last night she brought home a couple of flowers that had fallen from a bush that is exploding with blooms a few blocks away. I stopped to notice how intricate and amazing the flowers are, and she was right there with me, able to appreciate how incredible flowers are. When I tucked her into bed, she showed me how one of her front teeth might be loose. I'm in love with these little moments. I came into her life when she had just turned five and I wish I could have been there when she was born. But, in all honesty, I probably wasn't ready to be a part of a family yet.

Anyway, after a couple of months of craziness, life is starting to settle down a little more. It doesn't make for exciting blog posts, but I'm glad I can sleep through the night again. I don't manage stress very well. I get anxious and have a hard time sleeping because I wake up at 3 am all worried about something. I'm glad that's over for right now at least.

empty fishbowl

Both fish are dead. It seems that the weekends are rough on the goldfish. This morning, I walked in on the boss lady removing the remains so that I wouldn't be traumatized early in the day. Very thoughtful...

My plan is to just be cool. Friendly, but not too friendly.

the air smells like fish sometimes

I can walk to work now. It's about eleven blocks. I walk past houses, an old bowling alley, a grocery store, and a couple of hotels. In the early morning, the air smells like fish sometimes. On the way to work, I'm walking north. I can see the ocean and Canada in the blue hazy distance. Seeing this beautiful horizon reminds me of possibility and hope. I never thought about this kind of stuff in the car. In the car, I worried about being late.

On a side note, I'm currently stalking someone. No, not the woman who gave me "princess" the goldfish. There's a house that has about forty antennae coming out of the roof. It's very excessive. When I walked by yesterday there was a woman smoking a cigarette just outside. I didn't say anything to her but I do want to know what kind of vibes she's trying to pick up with all those aspiring metal rods. My current theory is aliens. Or maybe pirate radio. But that's just the beginning.

moved, again

Last night we slept in the house for the first time. I was exhausted from a day of moving crap and crashed as soon as my head hit the pillow. I awoke to the warm sunshine on my skin and my beautiful lover beside me, naked. And there we were in our new house. Sometimes I feel like such a grown up. It's a little surreal.

Today we've got to go back to the apartment and clean. This is the fourth time I've moved in the last year.