The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

I have to admit that I had serious doubts when I started this 644 page crime thriller best-seller by Stieg Larsson. I maintained my cynicism for about 80 pages and then was completely sucked in. It's great escapist fiction, fast-paced and smart. Plus, there's a feisty punk computer hacker who is completely intolerant of violence against women. It is pretty graphic and that was a little uncomfortable at times, but all in all it was a good read. Indulgent, like eating a whole bag of chips. yum. There's a sequel that I'm eager to read, but I'm going to wait until it comes out in paperback.

a small act

Today I was at a meeting at a rural hospital. We were there to discuss collaboration and outreach. The non-profit I work for serves mostly low-income women and a fair amount of these folks are undocumented women from Mexico and Central America. There was small talk before the meeting began. We were killing time waiting for the important busy person to arrive. I don't know how we got on the topic of immigration, but one of the nurses mentioned that she had just worked with a woman who had left five of her children in Guatemala and recently given birth to a sixth child. The nurse mused out loud, "I can't believe she left her children behind. What kind of mother would do this?" Her tone was very judgmental. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Then, this awesome woman who does community outreach started talking about just how dangerous the journey was from Guatemala to Washington State. I listened and offered a thought of my own saying, "It seems like a really profound sacrifice to leave your children with the hope of offering them a better life. I know that women come here to work and send as much money back home as they can." The community outreach worker nodded her head and slightly smiled, "yeah, it's the only way their children can stay in school." The nurse was listening and I could tell that her perspective had changed a bit. I want to get to know the community outreach worker.

The meeting went well. It was all women. It is amazing that most of my world consists of women. The meeting didn't go well because everyone in attendance has a pussy (I'm making an assumption here, but I think it's a safe one). I just think it's interesting that my professional and private lives are so dominated by women. I'm totally fine with this - I must be because it's a pretty constant phenomenon in my life. Even though I don't think of myself as a woman really, I love women and relate to them far easier than men. This is one of the major reasons I haven't transitioned, and probably never will. I know that gender is not a binary and these categories of women and men are complicated. It's just that this society is pretty enamored with the idea that sex and gender are fixed and easily discernible, leaving precious little room for a genderqueer lad like myself to live outside of the binary. Though I'm not entirely comfortable being read as a woman, I know that I'm being read a butch woman if I'm not passing and that's better in my mind than being read as a straight man. This isn't a slam on ftm. It's more of a celebration of my love for women, and a big part of who I am as well.

confession

I went to church today with Gertrude's mom, Martha. Little F spent Friday and Saturday night with her grandmother while I attended a two-day leadership training. The leadership training is a trip. Maybe I should write about that some day. Not today.

Anyway, I spent the night at Martha's house and she invited me and Little F to go to the U.U. with her. I was totally into it. I love having a good UU service on Sunday morning. The kind where I think about my place in the universe. It doesn't always happen, but this morning was one of those times. Martha and I talk about spirituality. She's talked to me about what it was like to be a devout Catholic woman in the 60s and 70s who divorced in the 80s. I felt really honored when she told me that story. She's talked to me about her conviction, faith, disillusionment, and search. She is searching and I think it is amazing. She's taking a class on theology.

While I know that she likes me, I've also felt a little judged sometimes. I think this is a faint mother-in-"law" thing, but I feel self-conscious when I'm with her about trying to convince her that I'm a good guy. I feel especially self-conscious when it comes to parenting around her. I worry that she thinks I'm too controlling. I think it pokes me like a little thorn because I worry about that same thing myself. I am strict, but am I controlling? Hard to say. There will undoubtedly be things that Little F will have to figure out and that might be one of them.

So, me and Martha were standing around at the post service coffee hour and after a couple of pleasantries she said, "I'd like to get to know you more. It always feels like we're coming and going." I was struck my this. I was thinking about how much time I've spent with her over the past couple of years. It seems like a lot. I was trying to think of something to say but I was also trying to figure out what she might have meant. So I finally said, "well I guess that happens over time." I didn't know what to say. Either did she. It was awkward. If I could go back I'd want to say with excitement, "I want to know you more too."

I'm working on being more open. As Audre Lorde said, I "can bear a grudge until it gives birth to twins." I often just attribute this trait to being an indelible zodiac sign characteristic. Yes, I'm a scorpio. But today, I'm sitting with the possibility of being less guarded with people. Or at least certain people. I'm not going to bloom like a flower with my petals open, the center exposed to the world. I'm not a flower. But I am going to initiate a follow up conversation with Martha. Maybe we can talk about mystic poetry. I'd like to learn more and she seems pretty into it.

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian

This is one of the best books I've read in a while. Gertrude originally bought it as a x-mas present for her niece, but she didn't end up coming to the big family get together so we've kept it and read it. It's a "young adult" book which means it's a quick read, but that doesn't make it an easy book at all. Set on the Spokane Reservation, it's the story of Sherman Alexie's adolescent decision to go to a white school in an effort to secure a better future for himself. The book doesn't shy away from class, race, violence, alcohol, and all the complexities of living a life divided between two very different sets of social expectations. Alexie manages to be critical and tender at the same time. It's a really good book.

organic farm tour

I was feeling very restless this past weekend but couldn't get out of town. So I signed up for a tour of a local 400 acre organic farm. It is amazing to me that I live in a climate where food can grow year-round. This time of the year it's all brassicas (new word I learned on the tour) all the time - cabbage, kale, brussel sprouts. I've been doing a decent job with figuring out creative ways to eat local as much as possible. Walking around a beautiful and sustainable organic farm for four hours really helped me feel more grounded. I left wanting to be a farmer, but knew that the fantasy would pass. I like the comfort of my desk job. I sometimes want to learn how to do work that doesn't involve sitting at a desk, but let's face it - that's where my skills are - at least the ones I've discovered. In the meantime, knowing where my food comes from has made me feel a little more connected here.

local paper obituary

"He had simple values. He liked his La-Z-Boy chair, the remote control and a good television show after a hot dinner of meat and potatoes. He collected clocks. There were 30 different clocks lining the kitchen walls, up the stairway, spilling into his bedroom. He wanted the noises of life in his home. There were clocks with animal noises, a train whistle, a semi-truck horn, musical instruments - and a clock that sounded as though it was passing gas."

dog bite

Our newest neighbors are the owners of half a dozen dogs (I'm not exaggerating) ranging from the tiny to the very large. Yesterday, Gertrude took Little F over to the neighbor's house to try and sell them some Girl Scout cookies. She's a Brownie this year. It is very cute. What is not cute is when their crazy rabid rescue dog gets loose and lunges for her head. Gertrude blocked the dog and got bit instead. And then the dog ran away. Apparently, he's still missing. Little F was pretty freaked out and the neighbors were appropriately mortified, but it does put a real strain on the tentative neighborly vibe we were working to develop. It sure is awkward when your neighbor's dog tries to bite your kid's head off.

Let me also take a moment to describe these neighbors. They are single, middle-aged white women. The story they tell is that they are just friends (who bought a house together). One is kinda butchy. I'll call her Karen. She has a long brown pony tail, always wears dudely clothes, and enjoys football on a big screen TV at high volume. The other one is very shy and reminds me a state fair bunny rabbit for some reason. Thus, I'll call her Bunny. Both are pretty socially awkward. Obviously, Gertrude and I think that they are repressed homos so we've gone out of our way to be friendly. But, this dog bite really puts a damper on things. We're not going to sue them or anything. It just sucks.